Dear Wall Street, Park Avenue, Gold Coast and Pacifica,
Due to continuing weak economy, the North Pole is planning cutbacks for the upcoming 2011 Holiday Season. Internal belt tightening includes cookies (homebaked by Mrs. Claus) in lieu of cash bonuses for all Elf staff. Reindeer will receive extra feed on December 26, however, due to commodity prices, extra feed will be oats rather than corn. Santa and Mrs. Claus plan to forgo their annual post-Christmas trip to the Islands.
Cutbacks will also affect production lines. For example, adults will receive “virtual” items—advice, recipes, and such, to replace requested items. For those of you in the financial industry, the following is provided in lieu of underage indentured servants from distressed developing world countries.
How To Clean A Toilet
What You Need
- One Toilet
- A Toilet Brush
- Toilet Bowl Cleaner
- A sponge and all purpose surface cleaner, or disposable cleaning wipes
- A sink or bucket with clean water
- Hand Soap
- Close lid of toilet. Flush toilet. Now lift lid and check to make sure that toilet flushed properly. (If toilet does not flush properly, it may be necessary to plunge toilet. This involves a device called a toilet plunger, which is available at hardware stores. Hardware store employees can provide instruction on how to use plunger, if necessary.) Lift toilet seat. Flush toilet second time and observe how water flows through toilet.
- Open top of toilet bowl cleaner. Holding bottle of toilet bowl cleaner in your hand, aim spout under the rim of the toilet bowl, where flush water enters the bowl. Squeeze bottle of toilet bowl cleaner, distributing cleaner throughout the bowl, particularly under rim. (Two to three squeezes of bottle should provide enough cleaner. Each bottle should have enough cleaner for multiple cleanings.)
- Clean outside of toilet using sponge and all purpose surface cleaner or disposable wipes. Start with top of toilet tank, then move down, washing tank, pedestal, and last, wash the lid and seat of the toilet. If using a sponge, rinse sponge as necessary in sink or bucket.
- Take toilet brush and scrub inside of toilet, concentrating on any rust and water stains or other stains on the inside of bowl. Flush toilet to rinse out toilet bowl cleaner. Hold toilet brush in flush water to rinse brush. If cleaner remains in bowl, flush toilet again and scrub at remaining cleaner with brush.
- If stains remain, reapply cleaner allow to sit for a few minutes then repeat step 4.
- Wipe down any part of toilet that has not yet been cleaned. Dispose of cleaning wipes, or rinse sponge in sink or bucket.
- Wash hands using soap and warm water.
The North Pole expresses regret that this “retrenchment” has been necessary, however, we trust that this alternative gift will achieve the same result as the indentured servant—i.e., a clean toilet—at considerably lower cost, resulting in cost efficiencies crucial at this difficult time for North Pole operations. We trust that you will understand and agree that we are acting in the best interests of all in preserving resources for the most critical operations (children’s gifts) and have provided an equivalent alternative for your order.