License to Ill

Again, if your product sucks and your service sucks, it may be [is] a sign that your Executive Suite is taking too much money out of the business.  But then how would you pay for your luxury Executive lifestyle?  Can’t expect you Eminences to live like plebes like me and mine.  To the 99 percent, wherever you may be found.

Dear Telecom Industry Giant,

Our relationship is a business relationship.  I agreed to purchase your service.  Your service sucks.  I am contacting you because as far as I am concerned, you are in breach of contract due to the abysmally poor service that is, constructively, failure to perform on the contract.

A little over a month ago, I visited your store to inquire about portable wireless internet access.  I have had your cell phone service for nine years and thought this would be a better alternative.  After a conversation with your service person, I purchased your portable wireless broadband device with a two year contract.

In short, this has turned out to be a huge mistake, a disastrous waste of time, and essentially a lot of money into a Black Hole of literally nothing.  The “nonmodem” broadband internet access device is a paperweight and your customer service has been less than useless.  They pretend there is no problem, they are rude, unhelpful, incompetent, insulting, misdirecting, obnoxious, pandering, authoritarian and generally awful.

These pieces of garbage you pass off as a product—including the modem, wireless service and customer service—have consumed tens of hours of my time in the course of a month.  I have spent hours on the phone with your terrible customer service.  In addition to telling me repeatedly that there is nothing wrong with my service, among other things, at their direction, just yesterday, I visited one of your local stores to have the SIM card in this “notmodem” replaced.  I was guaranteed that this would address the problems I was having with chronic dropped connections and absurdly—slower than dial up—and uselessly slow service.

Replacing the SIM card rendered this already sub-marginal service completely nonexistent.  I called your customer service line today to report continued problems and request additional guidance.  I was transferred to some horrible woman who was rude and contemptuous and totally incompetent.  It was apparent that she was reading from a manual, heaven forbid you hire an employee who thinks.  (As a side note, I will assume for the sake of argument that this rudeness and contempt for customers is exactly what your Executive Suite is going for.  Your industry has a horrible consumer protection record that could not possibly be the result of honest people working to provide a quality product.  The telecommunications industry exists to rip people off.  The biggest mistake our government ever made was deregulating you people.  You don’t need a regulator, you need a prison guard.)

Among other things

  1.  Tell this woman to shut up.  She is in a telephone customer service position.  Listening skills just might be important to this job.  I have very little interest in anything she has to say unless it is directly and unambiguously related to solving my customer service issue.  I am not her professor, her mom, her BFF, her therapist or her Auntie.  I am not on the phone to listen to her, I am on the phone to get my internet service working.  Seriously, sit her in a room with a manager and make her sit still without talking for increasingly long intervals.  Start with one minute and work up to 15 minutes.  Then reiterate with her that her job is to serve customers, not to run her mouth.  They actually have week long training retreats for executives with this problem.  (That is, if you actually care about your customers, which I’m sure you don’t.  Who knows, you could surprise me.)  (Actually, pass on this advice to everyone who works in telephone customer service.  I am tired of calling these lines and having my ear chewed off by a motor mouth.  How can they possibly have any grasp on why I am calling them if they never shut it?  And people wonder why everyone does everything through a website these days.)
  2. Explain to her there is no Service Pack 2 for Windows 7 Home Premium.
  3. Explain to her that someone who cannot access the internet because of her company’s substandard product and erroneous advice cannot download something from a website.
  4. Explain to her that her job is to provide technical assistance.  No, I don’t have an IT person, that’s why I’m talking to her.  If I had an IT person, they would probably call some special IT person line and talk to someone who knows all their IT insider lingo.

With regard to your “Dispute Resolution” person

  1.  Quit using my first name.
  2. We are discussing a contract in breach, and this is a forum for me to notice you as Representative of your company of the need for the company to meet its contractual obligations.  You are not my best friend, therapist, parent, social service case manager, spouse, work supervisor or otherwise.  We are not discussing our feelings, and this is not a forum for you to offer social correction.  As far as social corrections are concerned, see #1.  I am to be addressed as Ms. [Last name].  Because this is a business relationship.  High school is over.
  3. I am not interested in your sympathy.  I am insisting that your company pull it together after five weeks of tripping over yourself like a Goofy cartoon and get my service working as contracted.
  4. Quit wasting my time with your ego-stroking BS.  If you’re not going to do anything, transfer me to someone who will.

I am currently well into the second hour of downloading and installing the Windows 7 Home Premium updates.  On the upside, this has given me plenty of time to express my concerns to you in writing.  Trust me, there is no one who would have rather that I had downloaded these updates a month ago.  However, as a multitasker, I was able to use the time wisely and simultaneously accomplish two goals.  [Author’s Note:  Now I have a blog entry.  That’s a threefer.  Plus I read a Young Adult novel while I was waiting out the multiple shutdown/restart/reconfigurations.  That’s four in one.)  That is if the install of Service Pack 1 works this time.  (It failed the first time.)

In addition,

  1.  I have not received the mailed copy of my bill as specifically requested at the time that I purchased my modem and agreed to the two year contract.  I want a paper copy of my bill.  That was part of the deal.  The same one you are and have breached on several other grounds.
  2. Given the lousy service to date, I want a credit for the $42 fee for from March 9 to April 3.
  3. I was not noticed of and did not agree to a $36 activation fee.  Eliminate it.
  4. Get some Positive Mental Attitude training for your Customer Service staff.  They are a misery to deal with and a real downside of your corporation.  I’m tired of having my day ruined every time I talk to them.

Best Regards,

>:|

PS  I did a complete reinstall of all of my system software in December of last year including several hundred updates, so don’t blame me for the Service Pack # Whatever issue.  By the way, the whole process took about 2.5 hours.  Of course, none of this guarantees my “notmodem” wirless broadband internet access device will actually work now or be compatible with my computer, etc.  Merely that I have update my Windows 7 Home Premium Updates.  The memory of the SIM card is fresh.

Update:  following the install of Service Pack 1 and other updates, my computer seems a bit faster.  However, my wireless internet service still sucks.

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About missbodie

The Dragon Lady is a life long tea drinker. Her first coffee shops were Big Boy and the Oriental Diner in downtown Milwaukee. She lives in our Nation's Capital with three bicycles and an energetic tabby cat.
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